he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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