I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
