I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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