your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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