My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
