when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
