Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
