Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
