I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
