Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
