Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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