My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I want her autograph on my taint
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize