Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
