Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
