He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
