I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
