I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
