I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
