Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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