I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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