The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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