well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize