just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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