Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
