I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
