i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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