hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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