so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
