Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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