barbara walters just said penis...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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