i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
