i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
