my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
