I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The best revenge is premature balding
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
