No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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