wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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