Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
