508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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