dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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