turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
