Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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