remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
