I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
