fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
