I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
