I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
