I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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