alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
