I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
