so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
