she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
