he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
