so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
